10/06/2002 Entry: "grrrr"

So... apparently a certain part of me is a glutton for punishment. Certain sections of my brain don't know when to behave themselves. I wish I could ram a drill into my brain and remove the section that is apparently hardwired in there to be stupid and think things that it knows are bad for me. If a hatchet lobotomy wouldn't prove fatal there would really be no question about it. I could handle the scarring.

This has turned into an interesting test of will power. A test that, unfortunately, I failed in the past. This time it will be different, however. I will not have a relapse. I am armed better this time. Whenever my brain starts to misbehave I can remember what I was like when I went down that road before, and I remember what a mistake having those thoughts and feeling was. I don't even understand in the least this is rearing it ugly little head up again. Every part of me is screaming "no, you fucking idiot" but there is apparently a communication breakdown somewhere in my mind. God damn I'm stupid.

I lied when we played the question game on the way to Chicago. I claimed the last time I cried was a few months ago during the midst of my craziness. Well, that was one of the last times, but the most recent was actually a few weeks ago after recording with Ben. Those of you that have been following along will remember me saying something about how since we went through a lot of the same stuff his lyrics tend to affect me strongly. I don't remember if it was the same day or not, but I sat there for along time listening to a piano piece he wrote in Germany. That would have been the last time I cried. I didn't lie entirely, 'cause I cried about the same things that I did back then. I just didn't feel like mentioning it at the time. NO I'M NOT FUCKING EMO.

It's like fucking kryptonite. It will just take getting used to.

So, anyway, Chicago was a lot of fun. Although I fucking hate that city now 'cause it took us an hour to drive 3 blocks down town. Fuck that. I don't think I'm made for the city. But, despite that I had a shit ton of fun. We didn't do anything really mind blowing, it was just nice to chill with my buddies.

And, uhhh... John's not here yet. That's kind of frusterating. He won't be here until tomorrow. That's kind of why I'm home right now. *insert very massive amounts of bitching here* Ahh.. oh well, not much I can do about that. Ozzie also = not here, which kind of sucks 'cause it would be real nice to talk to her right now. Le Sigh.

Not much more to say than that. I have no idea what to say. I'm not insane yet though, far from it. So don't start worrying yet.