Monday, July 29, 2002

I ought to update, but I am feeling rather lazy, so I will attempt to give you an outline of events but will probably just tangent off on something.

RAGBRAI has come and gone. It was FUCKING AWESOME. I have too many stories to relate here, you'll just have to wait until this year's photo expose'. (You can find last years here) I'm actually having a rather hard time adjusting back to real life and work. I really really love biking all day and having no stress or responsiblity. I met up with some of my friends from the last two ragbrai's who are currently biking across country. They started two months ago in portland and are hauling all their own stuff. They are all younger than me. They live off 50 bucks a month and eat out of dumpsters. (which works suprisingly well) I am very envious of their lives. I want that freedom, I want to see the world. I'm sick of staying in one place. *sigh* Too bad I already made a life decision to do microbio and attempt to save the world. However, in the back of my mind I have the plan hatching... once I get out of college and grad school, the second I start to hate my job/career and it becomes meaningless, no matter where I am or how much money I'm making, I am going to say fuck it. I will grab what savings I have, hop on my bike, and go. I will travel, I will see the world before I die or am physically unable to. I will walk or bike it, fuck cars. One goal is to hike across india with a few friends. I think that would be amazing. I'm currently trying to convince Mark to bike cross country with me next summer. Wish me luck.

I've kind of known this for awhile, but I guess I've finally realized it's true: There are two ways I will be happy in life. I will either find someone I love and settle down with them, or I will find no one, and instead travel the world, with a few friends (hopefully) seeing as much as possible and seeking adventure. Currently I am living neither life, but that is ok for now. I will eventually live one of those lives. I don't need comfort or security to be happy. I definately don't need money to be happy. And if I can't be with someone, I will instead use travel to be happy.

After going back and forth in my head for a year or two, I am now 100% going to join the peace corp when I get out of college. I still have my goal of saving the world, or doing all that I can. This way I can do that AND travel. I believe that is the life I will eventually have, because that is what I want, and it's something I can make happen myself. The other option, falling in love and settling down, is pretty much up to chance. And, since I'm going to turn 22 in 16 days and have never even been close to having a girlfriend, I don't see that happening anytime soon. If RAGBRAI taught me anything this year, it was that I can overcome any insanity with the help of physical exertion, exploration, and freedom.

Speaking of exploration, you iastate folks will he happy to hear that I finally climbed Gilman hall tonight. Included in the climb was climbing Physics and the building in between the two (the roofs are all joined) It was fairly hard and probably very risky since I did it about 9:30 pm. BUT I did it, am unscathed, and very satisfied. :) It was cool as hell up there. I'm going to bring a camera up next time.

Uhm... I got naked in the peterson pits lake before RABGRAI with Al and Sticky. Uhm... I plan on getting naked there again soon. I tried last night, but people were there. So... yea... FYI, I found a good naked place to go in Ames if yer careful about it. A certain often naked chick with an apparent rat fetish should appreciate hearing that.

*look up* Yup... a tangent. SUCK IT TREBECK! Oh yea, and you CF people are slow, I knew about rejected MONTHS ago. In fact, we (Mark and I) yelled parts of it at other riders on RAGBRAI as we passed them. Such as "MY SPOON IS TO BIG!" , "I AM A BANNANA!" and of course "MY ANUS IS BLEEDING" which, in some cases, was almost true since we were on a bike seat for 8 hours a day.

Thank You, Please Drive Through.

Posted by Seager @ 11:29 PM CST Link |

Saturday, July 20, 2002

I ran out of time due to my alarm going off late, so no real entry today. Just a short one saying I'm on RABGRAI as of an hour or so from now. See'y in a week.

Posted by Seager @ 06:30 AM CST Link |

Thursday, July 18, 2002

Tonight in the span of the last 45 minutes I dropped from being ok to "it feels like I'm swallowing all of my internal organs, holy shit I want to curl up in a ball and die" and then back to almost ok again. A slight net drop, however. This was over a span of a few very small seeminly insignificant events. This apparently means I'm not as stable as I thought and apparently am still an insecure little bitch.

I don't know what I want anymore... It seems out of my hands but if it wasn't I don't know what would be in my best interest anyway.

Human nature and human needs can suck my toned, hairless, pasty white ass. I wish I was a vulcan.

Posted by Seager @ 12:34 AM CST Link |

Tuesday, July 16, 2002

I = sunburned. I'd take a digicam pic but I have no batteries. Today we road 76 or so miles at a "survival" pace which is basically a "it's hot, we're in shape enough already, this is for mental prep, lets not go to fast" pace. This was a lot nicer than my go insane pace that I did yesterday and last mon and tues for the 35 and 65 milers. I went crazy then, it was nice to ride a slower ride today. However, I got pretty sunburned though, 'cause we left two hours earlier in the afternoon, and I figured that would just burn me slightly, 'cause I wasn't even getting tan leaving around 4-5. However, the 2pm sun is apparently exponentially more poweful and burned the bajeezus out of my back. Oh well. Now I know what not to do that on RAGBRAI next week, eh?

Other than that, things are still remaining good, and apparently the mental reconfiguring that I did to my head it holding. Thing are currently right with the world for me and I'm *gasp* content... ? (relatively)

RAGBRAI IN A WEEK! WOO BITCHES! Today I had punwars with Mark while riding, and I had a few punwars "at" Brita when I got back. I love puns. Mark's pretty good actually. I can't wait 'til Josh gets back and the much insaner pun craziness can ensue.

Ok, bedtime. Oh yea, and everyone send their special elf magic, or whatever you believe in to The Brita, who would much appreciate special elf magic at this moment in her time of mourning, methinks. Anyway, love ya Britdaddy. Hang in there.

Posted by Seager @ 11:51 PM CST Link |

Sunday, July 14, 2002

Having John back in town kicks so much ass. I'd almost forgotten what hanging out with him was like. Some crazy-ass shit happened. I'll recap the weekend in real fast, short hand style:

Friday night we walked around Walmart trying to find cheap things to use to smash things. We weren't really sure what we wanted to smash, but we figured once we found the tools we'd be able to find stuff to smash eventually. We have a long history of smashing things. So... we didn't really find anything, but we did find 2 squirt guns for 88 cents, so we bought those instead, with the intent of driving around squirting people with our massive 4 foot range.

We then went to Macdonalds at around 11pm, where we proceded to eat the food sitting on my tailgate in the parking lot, playing with sparklers, and talking about the our good 'ol days of hoolaginism and eventually debating the Civil War. A employee came out after getting off of work so we asked him "Hey, do you know anything about the Civil War?" to which he answered "Which one?" This answer officially defined him as a pompous, over-educated smart-ass, so we played with him some. The end product of us playing with him was we convinced him to give us his socks. We squirted them with our squirt guns to wash them off, and then tied them to my hitch. Then we squirted each other with the squirt guns and pandamonium broke loose. Once the pandamonium ended we drove around some more, and eventually picked up Emily (his wife), made a few sparkler bombs, and then went and had a bonfire with 14 pallets and some cardboard. It was big. End Friday Night.

Saturday (today) I hung out with Ozzie and Kevin, and eventually Bree during the day. Having nothing to do, I came up with the idea of putting a table and chairs in the back of my truck and playing Skip-Bo ((a card game) in the Walmart parking lot. So we did that, put on some music, and chilled in the bed of my truck all set up with tables and chairs from about 7pm to midnight-ish. An interesting guy came up who was doing a yearly bike to every bar in cedar falls thing with some friends. He played cards with us for awhile, we waved at other people, etc etc. It was a good time.

I met up with John and Emily again midnightish and went over to Westy's house. Westy had to go to Walmart and get some shit to stop a leak, so in the meantime John, Emily, Angie (Westy's wife) and I hung out, with John and Me setting fires in their alley. Awhile later Westy called to inform of that his car got stolen from Walmart. (let me say that again incase you missed it) HIS CAR GOT STOLEN FROM WALMART! So... uhm.. yea, we laughed for a hell of a long time about that, 'cause his car is a piece of shit. It was covered in magnets, half covered with duct tape (layered with it), and had a screw driver for an ignition switch. That probably made it rather easy to steal, since all you had to do was turn the screw driver. But, still, who the fuck would steal a crappy old suburu wagon? You can't even put the damn thing into 2nd or 4th gear without yanking up on the stick. It's crazy.

So, John and I went driving around aimlessly with the hope we'd find the car (nothing else to do) and eventually gave up and bought hot dogs at kwik trip instead. We then drove around some more and about an hour or two later Westy called and informed us that the cops found his car. Apparently the guy who stole it got in a fight with his g/f and she kicked him out around Walmart. The guy then asked Westy for a ride and Westy said something like "Sure, after I come back out." I guess the guy misheard that as "Hey, Asshole, please steal my crappy car," 'cause that's what the guy then did. He drove it to his parents house who, apparently, weren't to down with that and called the cops on him. The guy got nice and arrested for grand theft auto. Nice parents, eh? Apparently the guy had a pretty long record, though, so his parents were probably just sick of that shit. I guess I can't really blame 'em.

We all then went back to Westy's house to meet up, where we continue burning in his alley. We were going to have a bonfire but the whole car being stolen thing kinda messed that up. While burning his neighbor walked up and asked me for a ride 3 blocks up the street. I must of looked skeptical so he further explained that he didn't want to walk there 'cause he was carrying a "pistol" and didn't want to get stopped. He said he had a car waiting there.

... right...

Ok, so, at the point I had two competing voices screaming in my head. One voice was saying, "OOh, look at me, I'm all intimidated by the scary looking guy with a gun, do what he says and don't make him angry, it's just a ride," and the other was saying "Holy fuck dude, you don't want a gun in your car, much less a crazy dude who's obviously walking around at 3am with a gun for a reason."

So, I listened to the second voice and told him something like "No, sorry, I don't want to get involved," and he, luckily, walked away without pushing the issue. *insert sigh of relief here* Boy, am I sure glad Westy and his two kids live in a super slum part of Waterloo, yesiree, where the neighbors walk around with guns. Jesus...

Anyway, so we go back to burning cardboard, styrofoam etc, and eventually a garden hose. The garden hose really liked to make smoke. So much smoke that people starting driving through the alley wondering where all the smoke was coming from, 'cause apparently you could see it going over the highway and down town. We all noticed this about the same time and with a collective "oh shit" went to grab the hose. But, alas, it was too late, Mr. Police officer pulled up as we were putting it out. Luckily, he didn't really care, he had thought our garage was on fire, and was relieved it was just us deliquent kids.

We called it a night soon after that, and I just got back. I don't think I'll be seeing John again now for another buncha months or years unless he can come up to Ames this next week. That really sucks. The crazy conversations we have driving around and just hanging out are unreplicable. Both of our personalities became what they are due to each other's influences when we were growing up. I guess that's life though, eh? I'll just have to enjoy it when he is around.

Hmm... on a similar note, it's going to suck when Josh graduates in December this year. I'm sick of my best friends moving away. Buncha Wankers.

Thank you, please drive through.

Posted by Seager @ 05:13 AM CST Link |

Wednesday, July 10, 2002

So... I guess I have stuff worked out. At the moment I have an understanding of things and the nature of our "relationship" that actually makes sense and I can live with. I've done a lot of thinking about motives recently, partially with the help of Kanga's excellent support/counseling last night. Not really thinking about my motives, I understand all those, but trying to disect and understand Hers. Once that understanding was reached it all made sense and became a lot less painful. I'm very glad I had a chance to talk it out with her today as well. For the moment everything seems back to normal more or less.

Hmm... although I can't tell if that nagging feeling in the back of my mind is just a residual effect or a warning that this may not be a permanent state of mind... We'll just have to see, won't we?

It's amazing how theraputic it is to type my thoughts into a machine. YAY MACHINE!

Posted by Seager @ 11:45 PM CST Link |

Tuesday, July 9, 2002

HAHA YOU STUPID ASS FUCK TWINS! YOU THOUGHT I WAS ONLY GOING TO MAKE ONE ENTRY TODAY! WELL THE JOKE IS ON YOU!

Mmmm... yes... so.... apparently I am rather ... uhh... moody? Although, hey, it's getting better. Today I was happy at work, happy while biking (although I am always happy while biking), and only got un-happy around eating when I got back. Sooooo, I just got to nip the nights in the butt and maybe I'll have this thing beat, eh? It's annoying that I keep hearing new shit second hand that just fucking stabs me for some freaking reason. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. Meh. I'm listening to Tristania that Fangoria introduced me to awhile ago. It's operatic death metal. I dig.

So, I was going to post thing thing I wrote last night that I thought was worth writing down and all poetic and shit in my head, but I'm going to spare you that crap right now.

Oh, but don't worry, you'll see it eventually. It won't be so cool since I've built it up, but you'll see it. You just have to wait until my messed up-ness overwhelms my dislike for whining poetically, especially on blogs. I have a real love/hate relationship with this thing right now.

Oh yea, and Iowa, YOUR NAME IS IOWA! Not "Megan". Just letting you know.

Posted by Seager @ 11:15 PM CST Link |

So, today was apparently bad music day at work. We listened to the Coyote Ugly soundtrack twice (which sucks) and not one, but TWO Meatloaf CD's. Yes, we listened to them both. MEATLOAF SUCKS! Jesus Christ, I used to think he was ok, but his poetry is terrible and and the songs are corny as hell. Yea, I know some other dude does all the writing, but still. Ick. It was a looong morning. I blame David Bowie. I'm not sure why.
Probably 'cause of Ziggy Stardust. -->

He reminds me of Tim Curry who is a sexy mother fucker and in that one movie with Meatloaf. If you need more explaining that that, you deserve to eat my poop, poop eater.

Today I broke out laughing at work because I was refering to everyone in my head as "The Ass-Fuck Twins" even when it was only singular. I decided to start refering to everyone like that. Just not always out loud. I don't think everyone would understand that I don't mean it in anyway as an insult, but more a term of endearment. I guess.

I realized today how pointless most of my job really is. The exception of when I occasionally do research, my job mostly consists of spending 3 hours turning 12 machines on in the morning. Waiting an hour or two, and then spending a half hour turning them all back off. Many of them aren't used during this time. In fact, usually less than half are used. A couple haven't been used in over a week. I just turn 'em on each day, and then turn 'em back off. This might explain why I want to bash most of those machines into pieces with a pick-axe. They're fucking ornery as hell. Fucking Ass-Fuck Twins.

So, I didn't really have anything to do at work this afternoon, so I wasted about an hour walking around and talking to people, trying (not very hard) to find stuff to do. Nothing like getting paid to sit around and talk to put you in a good mood. That and for some reason thinking "Ass-Fuck Twins" repeatedly really makes me smile.

I think I went to school for the last three years so I could learn to empty and fill buckets.

And uh... nope, that is all.

You Fucking Ass-Fuck Twin.

Posted by Seager @ 03:04 PM CST Link |

Monday, July 8, 2002

Every new bit of information I hear first hurts me, then turns into frustration, and sometimes turns into anger. It is the only self defense I have. I will clear my mind of this. I have ways. I learned today that angst is the best fuel one could have while biking. I felt more powerful than I have in along time and I destroyed my body trying to get it out. The result is I road one of the fasted 35 milers I've ever ridden. I had to stop and wait a few times for my riding partner. I need to talk to her, but I am afraid to call her. I don't know why. She has multiple personalities, some piss me off soooo much, but a few apparently have some power over me. I am going to ride hard every day this week. It's the only way I know to clear my mind. On the bright side, I will be in great shape afterwords, assuming I can still walk.

I know this is cliche, but it's time for Seager to speak in lyrics. I heard both of these songs recently. It's rare that I can relate to a commercial-ish song. Tainted Love, as common as that is, speaks to my anger rather exactly (except for that in my case, she never loved me back). And POE, in her splendor, describes my borderline insanity and my thoughts very well. Poe get's to go first 'cause she's cooler.

Unless you know these songs well you should read these lyrics well. Assuming you care. They are about as perfect as they can get. I promise I'll stop bitching soon. However, tonight, I have to.

A Terrible Thought (off of Haunted)

A terrible thought has moved into my mind
Like an unwanted room-mate drunk on wine
It feeds on my happiness won't pay the rent
I must take proper measures to evict it

A terrible thought has moved into my mind
A giant rat that's nibbling on my pride
It's tearing away my patience and my wit
I must take proper measures set a trap for it

What a terrible thought

I don't care what you've done
I don't care who you've won
I know in the end you'll have your fun

But you can't have it hear
And I won't let you steer
You know I don't want you in my mind

I must stay calm you know and I must be clear
It's gonna take a hundred thoughts to make this one disappear
A train like that could travel a soul for years
A terrible thought could have a terribly long career

What minds have you shredded
I bet they regretted
Having ever thought you up
Just look at you shine
Commiting your crimes
You know I don't want you in my mind

'Cause you're breaking my stride
You poisonous vine
You're strangling me inside
You're breaking my stride
You poisonous vine
You're strangling me inside
You're breaking my stride

What a terrible thought...

***

Tainted Love

Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
And I've lost my light
For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night

(chorus)
Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh...tainted love
Tainted love

Now I know I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
You don't really want IT any more from me
To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight
And you'LL think love is to pray
But I'm sorry I don't pray that way

(chorus...)

Don't touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm going to pack my things and go
Tainted love, tainted love (x2)
Touch me baby, tainted love (x2)
Tainted love (x3)

I am sick of being jerked around. I feel like my emotions are being used. I don't think it's concious, but it's happening. I AM FUCKING TIRED OF ALL THIS SHIT!

Posted by Seager @ 11:43 PM CST Link |

Sunday, July 7, 2002

Finally hung out with John and Westy tonight. Which, of course, meant that we came very close to being arrested. Much to close for comfort. However, some quick talking and clever distraction managed to convince the cops that Westy was just peeing in the parking lot (which he was) and that we were not, in fact, aquiring new decorations for my room from a certain fast food chain. I hate to say it, but as smooth as we are, I'm going to have to chalk getting out of this one up to luck. It's rare I get that close to being caught when I'm actually doing something wrong. The adrenaline rush is pretty tasty.

We also watched a pretty good fireworks display in Waterloo. It was pretty strange, I was sitting on a parking ramp ledge with Westy's 2 year old in my lap. I felt strangely adult and fatherly, and I was getting a pretty neat kick out of his kid's reaction to the fireworks. I can't wait to teach that kid how to set fires.

I've did a whole lot of thinking today before I went out and did stuff. So much of being happy is convincing yourself that you are happy with what you have, and that you don't need more. That is easy until something reminds of you of things that you don't have, and then you become unhappy. This is the basis behind advertising. They show people in commercials ecstatically happy with certain things in order to convince you that you are not happy, and will only be happy if you buy their crap that you don't need. A happy, content person will never by crap they don't need. The purpose of advertising, therefore, is to depress America so they waste their money. How do you fight this? Turn off the fucking TV. Unfortunately, it's not that easy for my situation.

Fear and adrenaline do well to clear my head though. Maybe that's why I do/did so much stupid risky shit... Tonight just added to my amazement that I'm not dead or in jail yet.

Posted by Seager @ 04:40 AM CST Link |

Saturday, July 6, 2002

Ahhh, so, illegal fireworks and 12 hours of sleep managed to help me get my head on straight and my brain clear. It was probably mostly the sleep. It's nice to wake up and realize everything is ok.

I need to take a shower.

Posted by Seager @ 03:35 PM CST Link |

Friday, July 5, 2002

So... apparently a certain part of me is a glutton for punishment. Certain sections of my brain don't know when to behave themselves. I wish I could ram a drill into my brain and remove the section that is apparently hardwired in there to be stupid and think things that it knows are bad for me. If a hatchet lobotomy wouldn't prove fatal there would really be no question about it. I could handle the scarring.

This has turned into an interesting test of will power. A test that, unfortunately, I failed in the past. This time it will be different, however. I will not have a relapse. I am armed better this time. Whenever my brain starts to misbehave I can remember what I was like when I went down that road before, and I remember what a mistake having those thoughts and feeling was. I don't even understand in the least this is rearing it ugly little head up again. Every part of me is screaming "no, you fucking idiot" but there is apparently a communication breakdown somewhere in my mind. God damn I'm stupid.

I lied when we played the question game on the way to Chicago. I claimed the last time I cried was a few months ago during the midst of my craziness. Well, that was one of the last times, but the most recent was actually a few weeks ago after recording with Ben. Those of you that have been following along will remember me saying something about how since we went through a lot of the same stuff his lyrics tend to affect me strongly. I don't remember if it was the same day or not, but I sat there for along time listening to a piano piece he wrote in Germany. That would have been the last time I cried. I didn't lie entirely, 'cause I cried about the same things that I did back then. I just didn't feel like mentioning it at the time. NO I'M NOT FUCKING EMO.

It's like fucking kryptonite. It will just take getting used to.

So, anyway, Chicago was a lot of fun. Although I fucking hate that city now 'cause it took us an hour to drive 3 blocks down town. Fuck that. I don't think I'm made for the city. But, despite that I had a shit ton of fun. We didn't do anything really mind blowing, it was just nice to chill with my buddies.

And, uhhh... John's not here yet. That's kind of frusterating. He won't be here until tomorrow. That's kind of why I'm home right now. *insert very massive amounts of bitching here* Ahh.. oh well, not much I can do about that. Ozzie also = not here, which kind of sucks 'cause it would be real nice to talk to her right now. Le Sigh.

Not much more to say than that. I have no idea what to say. I'm not insane yet though, far from it. So don't start worrying yet.

Posted by Seager @ 09:43 PM CST Link |

Tuesday, July 2, 2002

Currently my body is not happy with me. It's being all whiny and bitchy and all like, bitch, give me salt and sugar! It apparently doesn't like being dangeriously low on electrolites. See, today Mark and did some explorative road riding for our Ragbrai training. Which pretty much means we picked a direction and went, hoping we'd find a place to fill up our water bottles and get some food. We didn't find such a place until we had already road almost 30miles, and it had no food. See, we had a general idea where such places were, but the road signs lied to us and we got screwed. The problem with this is that I go through a bottle of water every 10 miles or so, and I have two bottles on my bike. This means I had to make that last bottle stretch 20 miles. PLUS, I was out of powered gatorade, which means I don't get my electrolites back. Also, the human body needs a food-like fuel every 30-40 miles or so or it will stop bitching at you as well. 2-3 Bananas and a peach work pretty well, but we had NOTHING. So, yes, the ride sucked. It sucked ass. We kept up a pretty good pace considering the headwind and finished it out at 50ish miles, but damn, it sucked.

So anyway, being out of gatorade I haven't been able to replace my electrolites yet. I had shitloads of spaghetti for dinner, but that's not too high in salt. Currently I am eating an apple and hoping it works. My skin was so salty my eyes felt glued open and my skin tasted like a potato chip. It burned my eyes to shower because the salt was so thick in the water on my face. I think I'm going to really feel it when I wake up tomorrow.

hmm... anyway, I'm sure you butt munches thought that was boring, but it was what was on my mind. Uh.. last weekend = bad-ass. Sturgis Falls ruled, I got to yell at vilsack for cutting school funding and raising tuition, I laughed at Katy for being in 4-H, (I don't really even know what 4-H is, btw) I saw bad-ass dixyland and a fat black chick with tons of soul shaking her money maker, Ozzie fought dirty and gave me deep wounds on both hands with her nails that have been leaking puss since, Westy and I did $330 some dollars in repairs to my truck for the cost of the parts (about $30), I saw my nephew and chilled with mi familia, uhm... FUCK, I found out John is coming home. John is my best friend from highschool and pretty much responsible for how I developed into what I am now. That is going to rule.

Oh yea, and I'm going to Chicago tomorrow to watch them blow up shit. Yay.

Posted by Seager @ 11:03 PM CST Link |