Friday, March 23, 2007

How to solve illegal immigration and welfare:

Get all hollywood celebrities addicted to meth. They'd solve illegal immigration by cleaning their own houses, and solve welfare by employing thousands of white trash people to keep their meth supply up.

IT'S A WIN WIN!

Posted by Dreqan @ 08:18 PM PST Link | 1 Person gives a shit!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Here is the second installment of my multi-part essay "The People I work with" or "OMFG HOW ARE PEOPLE THIS DUMB ABLE TO FEED THEMSELVES!" Part 1 is directly below this entry, for those of you who don't check this blog every day - and I'm assuming that's all of you.

Roster:

Boss #1: 25yo. College degree in Marketing, actually knows what he's doing, has slowly earned my respect. However, has a bad temper, expects way to much, and doesn't pay people enough. He backed into my truck in November and still hasn't fixed my bumper but screams if anyone even gets close to scratching his truck. Isn't stupid.

Boss #2: 22yo. Boss #1's younger brother. Worse temper. Pretty dumb. Talks non-stop shit but can't take it. Can't take orders. Has never had any other job. Repeatedly says things like "when I was doing your job back when I was in high school I was better than you'll ever be at it" and "none of you are even worth what we're paying you." Doesn't like Mexicans. Doesn't like "smart" people. In completely unable to emphasize or see his own hypocrisy. Has no friends because he believes he is superior to everyone. Lives for his television.

Meathead: 23yo. May be the dumbest person I've ever met. Super homophobic - probably is gay or had father who did nothing but hate gays around him. HUGE temper. Sometimes acts like a goth/emo kid by talking about how much he hates his life. Can only see things in violent terms - has no comeback response other than things like "How about I put this stake through your head!" Sucks up non-stop and tries to make everyone else look bad (buddy fucker) in order to get ahead in company. This strategy has worked particularly well with boss #2 and now he makes more money than the rest of us while doing much easier work. Whenever I show my true self around him he talks about how much he wants to hurt me. (for instance, I'm talking to boss #2 about unicycling so he buts in and says "If I ever saw you on a unicycle I'd throw a stick through your spokes and then kick you," followed by laughter like he thinks it's the funniest thing in the world and gets confused when no one else laughs.) The world would be MUCH better off it Meathead would finally stop whining and actually kill himself. I'm sure he had some horrible childhood and strict daddy who made him be the way he is - but it's important that he die before he breeds and makes more stupid angry babies. Oh, and he 100% believes that Bush caused 9-11 so he could get rich of oil. I'm not very mean to him but he thinks I am because he attributes everything bad that boss #2 does to him to me. As such I've decided to actually start being mean to him and see what happens. I want to try to walk that fine line between making him super angry and him kicking my ass. It'd kind of like riding a ledge on a unicycle.

STDBoy: 28yo. Super conservative, homophobic, adulterating, ex(?)-druggy construction worker and probably my best friend on the crew. The only person who knows I went to college. Came from Minnesota and liked Atmosphere and knew a lot about music. He and I were confidants - talking about how much we hated everyone (especially meathead) and about different job opportunities/interviews, druggy pasts, college, what lies we are currently telling to the idiots on the crew, etc. We had what we call "mutually assured destruction" meaning that we had enough dirt on each other to finish our careers with the company and thus were able to share our secrets with each other safely. He, of course, had no idea that I am a liberal hippie. That would have been a deal breaker I think. He left a few days ago to go make 19/hr at some other job. The bastard. He was smarter than he let on, partially due to a well traveled life experience. Oh yea, he's also hopelessly addicted to strippers and porn - but got married recently because he knocked up his girlfriend while they were broken up.

Don Juan: 23yo. Fired by Boss #2 for being late too much and being mexican. Good, hard worker. Did all the shit jobs I didn't want to do. Was STDBoy's and my partner in crime until he got axed. Hated meathead more than any of us. Not too bright, but being fired was probably the best thing that ever happened to him. Fled to the USA because he knocked up another guy's wife. Got married recently while sleeping with 3 other women.

EG (experienced guy): 36yo, mexican. Hired recently and has 8 years foundation experience. Is better at the job than boss #2. Is treated like shit by boss #2 and meathead. Intelligent and very nice - I have nothing bad to say about him at all.

Now that you know the players I can proceed to give you 6 months of WTF stories that will make you dance with joy.

Posted by Dreqan @ 08:21 PM PST Link | 19 People give a shit!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

I realize I haven't written about how dumb my coworkers are yet. After working 6 months at this job I have too many stories for one entry. I'll write a few recent ones here real quick to break the ice and get the ball rolling on the many to come.

The names have been changed to protect the innocent. (me)

The worst of them all we'll call "Meathead." He is the true definition of the term. Yesterday he told us that he had a sex dream where he raped his girlfriend. He woke up horny and then had sex with her. He was proud of this fact.

The same idiot once argued with me for about 20 minutes about whether or not goats are just male sheep.

Lately several of the idiots I work with have been obsessed with winning the lottery even though they don't play. I present a paraphrased conversation:

Meathead: If I won the lottery I'd totally buy all you guys pizza and then quit.
Me: There'd better be fucking diamonds on that pizza.
Meathead: Maybe I'd give you a nintendo Wii when I win if you can promise to be nice to me until then.
Me: *pause* No, that's not fucking worth it. (walks away)

To be fair, I am, by far, the nicest guy there. Meathead tends to get picked on my Boss #2 because he reacts badly. (boss #2 thinks that thunder is from clouds hitting each other, btw) Meathead is too much of an idiot to have any kind of verbal retort so he just gets really bad. He can't get mad at Boss #2 though so he tries to take it out on me physically by challenging me to fights after work and threatening to cut the brakes on my truck. If I were to let A FRACTION of my restaurant trained asshole wit loose on him I know for a fact that he'd throw down right then and there and probably succeed in kicking my ass. It really is torture for me. I have to bite my tongue SOOOO hard - and when the Boss #2 lets loose on him with his lame and entirely inferior insults I'm forced to not only bear the brunt of Meatheads anger - but somehow silence the nearly constant stream of add-ons and insulting retorts that come screaming naturally out of my over cynical and apparently suicidal internal monologue. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but you don't know true hardship until you have to hang out with half-wits who are constantly setting themselves up for epic burns and slams but you are forced to say nothing for fear of them caving your face in with their pick-axe in a fit of rage.

Oh yes, rage. Today Meathead was having trouble leveling up a board so he screamed and threw his hammer (again). It didn't help that boss #2 was talking shit on him the for the entire previous hour. Anyway, meathead was planning on buying a Playstation 3 after work (more on that in a later post) and was debating about getting the warranty. Boss #2 starting making jokes about how meathead was going to go home and cry while playing because he was being so mean to him all day. I *almost* replied with "well, that's why he should get the warranty - in case the ps3 gets water damage." Not a good joke or even that witty BUT IT KILLED ME THAT I COULDN'T SAY IT OUT LOUD. IT ... KILLED... ME...!

I hate people that can't take a joke. Boss #2 is almost worse, because he gives it but can't take it. We'll get into him and my general work structure and a better introduction to the characters later.

I really miss hanging out with witty people who can fight back verbally and have the necessary anger/frustration to do so passionately. Robin and I used to get into epic late night verbal slam battles at work.. It was a nightly occurrence. The whole staff would eventually join in. No one would get mad because it was all in fun. I didn't always win, and I certainly didn't mind losing. In fact, I kind of liked getting my ass handed to me sometimes because when it happened it was usually BEAUTIFULLY done by some of the best insult masters I know. Most often by Mark, Robin, or Kale. Now those were some people who were worth clashing jerk wit with. Meathead, on the other hand, is like shooting fish in a barrel. Except the fish are filled with acid, gunpowder, and grape flavoring. I fucking hate grape flavoring.

Posted by Dreqan @ 08:07 PM PST Link | 18 People give a shit!

Saturday, March 10, 2007

I've finally mostly decided on the design for the TRS tattoo that I've been planning on getting since my last x-country trip. I've just been trying to figure out a design or theme since.

I've settled on 4 finalists based of an old school compass design. The cardinal directions are listed in latin to give it an older feel. They are: (info stolen from the internets)

North: Septentriones, referring to the seven stars that make up the constellation of The Bear, or Plough, that is a pointer for the Pole Star in the North. The Latin term might be abbreviated, eg Sept.
British maps traditionally mark the north point with a fleur de lys.

East: Oriens, from the verb orior, to rise, reminding us where the sun rises. The Latin term might be abbreviated, eg Ori.

South: Meridiens, referring to where the sun is in the middle of the day [in the northern hemisphere north of the tropics]. The Latin term might be abbreviated, eg Meri.

West: Occidens, from the Latin occido, to fall or set, reminding us where the sun sets. The Latin term might be abbreviated, eg Occi.

Anyways, I need your opinion. Please view them here and help me make up my mind. (note, my firefox squished the pic horizontally, so be aware that might be happing) I'm unsure which one to go with and also about the placement. (thinking left shoulder or middle upper back.) I think I'd like it to be about that size or bigger.

Oh, and I'm not sure when I'll be getting this since they are expensive.

Posted by Dreqan @ 04:12 PM PST Link | 17 People give a shit!

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Dear Iowans:

Today and yesterday it was 70 degrees and sunny. I was able to work shirtless in the sun. I currently sleep to the sounds of crickets and bullfrogs, and it feels like what late May feels like in Iowa. Tomorrow the rain will return and stick around for another three months. However, it will still be almost 60 degrees the whole time. We'll be planting our garden (after I build it) within the next few weeks.

Neener Neener Neener.

Smugly,
Oregon

Posted by Dreqan @ 07:25 PM PST Link | 18 People give a shit!

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Well, it's time I post it here. I've been doing a lot of thinking about this. This summer I think I'm going to go biking cross-country again. It's been four years, and Ariel and Karen (the two on the right) are going with or without me. I want to go too.

I wasn't going to go, because I kept thinking I'd get a real job and wouldn't be able to leave it. However, I'd be leaving three months from now. I haven't found a real job yet, and I may not have this chance again. IF my dream job lands in my lap I'll still take it... but to be honest I'm hoping that doesn't happen until this fall after I get back.

Frankly, I don't even know what my dream job is anymore. Part of me just wants to get back in a kitchen 'cause it's easy - but the pay sucks. I honestly have NO idea what I want to do with my life other than ride my bike, juggle, and unicycle. Maybe after this summer I'll have figured it out.

The other thing holding me back is money. I'm working tons of overtime now so I think I'll have enough saved up to go together with the last of my inheritance. It will suck to lose that comfort blanket, however. On the plus side we won't be doing juggling shows this time around, so I'll have more time to dumpster dive food. What'll suck is still paying rent and other things - and finding a job in a timely manner when I return.

I think I can do it but I fear I am being irresponsible. It's a risk I think I need to take, Qehndrah and I will be ok. I feel like I should ask my family's permission though, 'cause if something really bad does happen they are the ones who have to catch us. I just don't think I'll have a setup like this happen again - where I DON'T have a real job I'd have to leave and I have friends going anyway. I just need to do this again.

Of course I'm not happy about leaving Qehn for 3 months either, but I'll see her twice along the way (Josh's wedding in june and RAGBRAI in july) and I'll have my own cell phone this time. We're currently working that part of the decision out.

click the more button for more musings:

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Posted by Dreqan @ 08:23 PM PST Link | 18 People give a shit!