Thursday, December 26, 2002

Haha, even though I've slept, this damn thing claims it's the same day. Greymatter was not designed for those of us who are nocturnal.

I was doing some thinking today while shopping, and just thought about it again while discussing genetic mapping with my Dad. It's becoming apparent to me more and more that I am near to reaching the supposed goal of the education system. I know enough now to get an entry level Microbiology job almost anywhere (and infact already have one) and in a year from now I'll have a degree and 2 more semesters of dual lab experience under my belt. I'm becoming on of those people who write the scientific journals I've studied for so long. That elusive scientist who's research I have studied for years is quickly becoming me. In 5-10 years people may be studying my work. That fucking blows my mind. I know many of my friends aren't big fans of the whole school system map of their lives, but it's not all bad. School is a tool, nothing more. It only controls you if you let it. Although I must admit it's not for everyone.

Which leads me to the other thing I've been thinking about today. I'm kind of frightened. I started work on my Peace Corps application today, and in a few minutes, after writing this, I will resume work on the Road Show webpage. It starting to dawn on me how life changing these two experiences are going to be.

I can look back on my life and map out the major changing points for me. 7th Grade, when I kicked the depression thing and started accepting stuttering. Early highschool, where I made life long friends that would shape my personality, and lost religion. My fresh/soph year in college, when I was exposed to thoughts and ideas that shaped my views on politics and philosophy, and met more life long friends that would shape my college experiences. My second RAGBRAI, where I road alone and forced myself to do the hardest physical challenges of my life, everything seemed easier after that. And most recently, Qehndrah, whose influence on me is hard to put into words. Now is another of those turning points, as I say good bye to two more of my best friends. (more on that in a later entry)

Normally these huge influences space themselves out, but two are fastly approaching. I know I'm not going to look at life the same after this summer. And, in a short semester after that, I get a fucking degree, become a professional, and then leave for some god forsaken third world country to try and save them. I'm damn sure that will change my out look on the world. I'm finally on the verge of becoming the man I want to be, but that means being thrust out into the real world with no one but myself to rely on and into unfamiliar terrority. It's starting to scare the shit out of me, but damn, I'm looking forward to it. I just wish I didn't have to say anymore good-byes.

Posted by Seager @ 09:38 PM CST Link |

Tonight was the one year anniversary of GTA4 (I think). I did next to nothing today, a far cry from last year's excitement. *sigh* All good things come to an end I suppose. CF is definately not what it was a year ago. I know many people don't miss the hotel, but I have that luxury, having never had any bad experiences with it. I wish all my friends still got along.

The concept of becoming estranged with one's friends seems very strange to me. I just don't get it.

Posted by Seager @ 04:09 AM CST Link |

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

So, I'm better now, and slightly embarassed for having wrote such a blowharded entry last night. Talk about over reacting...

Anyway, I took a test.

I only answered two or three questions "yes", and that apparently means I like attention. Well, duh, big fucking suprise there.

Posted by Seager @ 05:54 PM CST Link |

A lot has happened since I last was here... I won't elaborate now because when I do I need to do so fully, and that is not what I need to talk about now. Tonight was... strange...

I felt something tonight that I haven't felt since highschool... There are different kinds of hate, I believe. Or, at least two reasons to hate... There is the hate because you care about someone, such as "I hate my ex-boyfriend." You wouldn't hate them if you still didn't care about them. It's when you stop caring that the hate leaves you. Hate, true hate, is an investment. It takes energy. Until tonight I saw caring as the only source of true hate. However, there is another cause of Hate... fear.

I saw saw someone tonight that caused a reaction in me. A conditioned reaction that I developed during elementary, junior high, and high school. When I see this person, or any of his clan my adrenaline rises, I become on edge, and I expect a confrontation. I was in perkins and one of the people that had made fun of me, bullied me, beat me, and made my life difficult from kindergarten until I graduated highschool waltzed in. He didn't recognize me. I recognized him instantly... you never forget a face that you've spent years subconciously scanning crowds for, lest you be caught off guard. I saw him the second he walked around the corner and instantly reverted back to a defense form of thinking I haven't experienced in over 4 years. Nothing had changed. I had forgotten him. I had heard he'd gone to jail, actually. I didn't care, I didn't even hate him. The second I saw him tonight, however, I hated him. Not because of what he had done to me, if that was the reason then I would have never stopped hating him. I hated him because I feared him and the fear caused a subconcious defensive reaction in me that I have had the luxury of not needing for long time.

The shithead even tried to join our conversation, then he recognized me, and I could see his demeanor change before my eyes. He went from a look of "speaking to a stranger" to a look of contempt and superiority. He turned to his own friend as I turned away, and spoke in a hushed voice as they giggled. I knew what they were talking about. And that was the end of it. I tried to ignore him, my rational mind knowing that the chances of him starting something was very slim. However, if the same scenario were to have happened 7 years ago, it would have been different. This person in particular wasn't so bad during highschool. His main sphere of influence was from earlier. If he had been another, a different person in the same group of people that made my life hell, something may have even happened tonight. Some of them were actively fucking with even after I graduated.

I tried to ignore him, my rational mind saying it's ok, but my defenses wouldn't let me. Never turn your back on the enemy, even if they seem harmless. You must always be ready.

I hate him because of the reaction he causes in me. The reaction is because I fear him. But, not so much him, but the confrontation. If he had been dumb enough to approach me tonight, he would have had his ass handed to him. That wasn't what I was afraid of. I just didn't want to be bothered with it, to have to deal with it. I wish I could adequately explain and give examples of what that group of people did over the years, but here is just not a good medium for it. Intimidation was the bulk of it, with violence during the early years, followed by the threat of violence during the later years. *sigh* I am finding myself caring less and less now, however, even as I type this. His effect is not permanent, because I just don't care about him anymore. The hate will leave me soon as the fear does.

The world would be a better if he was dead. His "relationship" with my group of friends is not my only justification for this contempt, but that goes beyond the scope of this entry. You'll have to just trust me on this one. I wish him death. He has no redeeming qualities, he and his cohorts are an infection, a disease. They deserve no more mercy than any other pathogen. They deserve death.

Heh. I agree with those words now but I won't tomorrow. Tomorrow I will say that they, being human, deserve life. I will say that they must have some quality. I will say even the most guilty person deserves a chance. As good as it feels to hate something, it feels better to not. Ghandi was a happy man, Hitler was not. (However, that may have just been because he ejaculated urine)

*sigh* It's been along time since I've felt hate. I expunged it from myself one night during my junior year in highschool. It had become to hard to hate so much, so many people. So I stopped caring, and I stopped hating. I just didn't care. The feeling of contempt never left me though. It only leaves when I forget them entirely. I learned tonight that I, apparently, will always have certain states of being hardwired into me.

And suddenly I understand so much better...

Posted by Seager @ 05:04 AM CST Link |

Thursday, December 19, 2002

4 porno magazines
3 books
2 stuffed animals that make noise
5 pint glasses with botched engraving
1 possibly working 8-bit nintendo
1 bag of yummy oranges (SCORE!)
1 crafty plant holder thingy
4 potted plants with flowers
tons of pretty flowers/roses

And that was just my haul, the Johnny pulled in such things as a possibly working n64, a crystal wine glass, a huge botched engraving glass, lotsa porn, books, motherboards, a bag of oranges, a shirt, a big-ass rope and some other stuff I forgot.

All for only 3 hours of work. Yay for dumpsters. I have half my xmas shopping done now, and with a little bit of work and ingenuity I made a sweet present for the Qehndrah! (pics = 1 | 2) I hope that doesn't mean I'm cheap...

Oooh ooh, we also explored an abandoned building. DOUBLE SCORE!

Posted by Seager @ 04:27 AM CST Link |

Monday, December 16, 2002

Because it's on my mind, it's education time, GAP style:

The Gap, Old Navy, and Banana Republic are all the same company. The Gap makes its clothing in sweat shops. Unless you condone this activity, you shouldn't be giving them your business. It's as simple as that. Their site slightly addresses this issue by saying things like "people make mistakes, not every factory can always be compliant," by mentioning they follow local laws (many of which allow child labor and slave wages), and mostly by saying "they are keeping an open dialogue." In other words, "we'll pretend to care, but not really change anything."

Maybe you don't believe me. Then go to these sites.
http://www.behindthelabel.org/
http://www.globalexchange.org/economy/corporations/gap/index.html

In case you are lazy and/or don't care, I'll quote some highlights for you.

from behindthelabel.org

In factory after factory—in Bangladesh, El Salvador, Indonesia, Cambodia, Mexico, and southern Africa—workers making Gap clothes have reported beatings from supervisors, desperately low wages, unsafe working conditions, and harsh repression when they stand up for their rights.

from globalexchange.org

Indentured labor -- workers mostly from China, Thailand, Bangladesh and the Philippines are mislead to pay recruitment fees for "quality work" opportunities in Saipan; then they are forced to sign "shadow contracts" waiving basic human rights, including the freedom to join unions, attend religious services, quit or marry. They are then forced to toil 12-16 hour/day and are not paid for overtime.

Unsafe factories -- In Saipan, the US Occupational Safety and Health Association (OSHA) has cited over 1000 violations, including insufficient clean drinking water, blocked exits, fire hazards, unsanitary restrooms, and exposed electrical wiring. The factories are often incredibly crowded and extremely hot.

Unhealthy living conditions -- Also packed with people, living quarters in Saipan consist of inward-pointing barbed wire enclosed barracks. Guards monitor workers, often subjecting them to lockdowns, curfews, threats of termination, physical harm and deportation. There have also been recent outbreaks of food poisoning.

All in compliance with local labor laws, I'm sure, including stifling any attempts to form unions. Keep in mind that in many of these places, these are children we're talking about. Imagine your little brother/sister/niece/nephew subjected to that.

And there is a shitload more that came from. Read the sites, please. Here is a good site with information about many corportation's practices, including the GAP and other companies such as Adidas, Levi, Nike, etc. The Adidas sweatshops were news to me, actually, so I will be looking more into that. However, the GAP is by far the leading violator and worst company in the sweat shop industry.

Is it really that hard to pay parents a living wage so their children don't have to work? Is it really that hard to treat their parents like human beings with rights? Is it really that hard to make only a little less percent profit on your clothes and actually pay your workers instead of starving them?

... Is it really that hard not to shop at the GAP?

Posted by Seager @ 12:09 PM CST Link |

In 8 hours I take what will probably be the hardest test I have ever taken. If I do well, I will finally pass organic chemistry and end two and a half years of organic torture. It should have only taken me one year. This is my third attempt to pass this class in particular, the first attempt failing due to crappy study habits, and the second attempt being dropped because of the issues I was dealing with last semester that made it impossible (and unwise) to spend time studying. The last two times I never even made it to the final. Now... now I face down a test that is the culmination of the worst academic experience of my life. I had never failed a class before this, nor even had below a C on anything. It's a lesson in academic humility, I suppose. One feels pretty worthless when they repeatedly can't pass something.

On the bright side, I've done well enough so far that if I do mediocre I pass, but if I do well I might actually pull an A. Yay for fixing your GPA!

Posted by Seager @ 01:27 AM CST Link |

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

Blame this on Kay-T

What kind of non-weapon related attack move are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Posted by Seager @ 11:16 PM CST Link |

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

I didn't sleep last night. I finished my paper at 6:30, and went to work at 7:30. It's nice outside.

Oh well, I'm napping anyway.

The problem with updating frequently is you too easilly run out of things to say.

Posted by Seager @ 01:27 PM CST Link |

Monday, December 9, 2002

Seven hours later I've spent $279 getting my truck a new alternator. That is a lot of money when you only make $7 an hour. In fact, that's around 2 months of work for me. It bothers me that I could quit and go work at McDonalds for 6.50/hr or any number of part time jobs and make either comparable or greater wages for doing much less work. A job that requires the level of skill that mine does should NOT pay me the same as a crew trainer at McDonald's makes. I don't mind being paid less than I'm worth. That's fine, 'cause it takes awhile to get a job that lets you do what you are worth. But I DO mind being paid less than what my job is worth. It fucking sucks. Granted, they let me set my own hours and get time off for school vacations, and my coworkers are great... but, the pay issue is really starting to eat at me.

So maybe I'm bitter.

I've got no work done on my paper. That's what I get for curling up in a ball this afternoon and falling asleep in the teeny space left on the couch instead of working. My brain needs to wait a few more weeks before it gives up on me. This is not good.

Posted by Seager @ 07:52 PM CST Link |

Today I learned:

That my philosophy paper that I thought was due during finals week was actually due last Friday. It is supposed to include such things as library research and other time consuming activities. I lose a grade point each day it's late. This means I get to write it today, all day.

That Chemistry tests suck when you are unprepared for them.

That I'm too behind in calc to even warrant going to class.

That I managed to miss lunch.

That it's cold outside.

Posted by Seager @ 01:09 PM CST Link |

Sunday, December 8, 2002

In about 15 minutes I will be at the MU once again studying my balls of for yet another organic test, attempting to convince myself that I am prepared for this one and not infact just lubbing up my asshole. Then, I will see if my truck runs well enough to get me into work tonight, which it won't, but maybe I'll pretend. Dead week is upon us, and I'm running full speed into it without really looking where I'm going or sending out the neccesary e-mails to professors with a final "please don't fail me for being sick can I make XXX up still" pleas. It kind of like putting your head down and running through a door way that has one of those bead curtians, except every 3rd bead is a radioactive exploding jagged glass like thingy with rotating lazer beams of dolphin fucking ass doom designed to turn your brain into a burrito for the eating by one Fidel Alien Gonzalstro who doesn't ever really brush is damned teeth what a fucking hippie full of nuclear bombs that cut and make the burning and shadow on the wall that your neighbor has to wipe up because you were too dumb to look where you were fucking going you slimey dickcheese suckbitch from crusty wombsville, esquire.

Yea. That's exactly it.

Posted by Seager @ 02:17 PM CST Link |

Thursday, December 5, 2002

I should be doing my calc right now.

I am sleep deprived, extremely stressed out, possibly failing my two or three easiest classes, my car broke, I hate screws, I'm still sick, I don't get paid enough, I'm behind on my peace corp work, I'm behind on studying for chemistry, and it's fucking cold out.

On the bright side, I'm getting better at juggling, and someone has possibly combined the two coolest things in the world:

Good lord I need to study.

Posted by Seager @ 01:26 PM CST Link |

Monday, December 2, 2002

No one eats Cheese and Rice, get over it.

Getting things done today was helpful in me relieving some stress, but much is still there. See, I am worried about failing my two easiest classes due to my illness keeping me from doing stuff. It's really disturbing, actually. But, yes, that is all.

I want to thank my 20 or so loyal readers. It'd be nice to have more than that, but as Katy pointed out, I really don't update enough. Maybe if I ever worked on Chegg we'd get more hits. What I wouldn't give to not be busy...

I realized over break when I was looking back over past entries that I am beginning to keep this more for my own log than for any sort of entertainment purposes. That being said, I still hope to get back to being entertaining soon.

I talked to Fangoria today for the first time in awhile. I regret that I let my friendship with her stagnate to the point that we rarely talk. Meh.. it seems I have a history of that happening with people. It's definately something I need to mend, especially with Josh and Zach leaving soon.

And finally... Silly Rabbit, this Eldora Church is for FAoGs!

Posted by Seager @ 04:24 PM CST Link |