10/06/2002 Entry: "I felt the funk"

So, I have a whole lot to say but very little motivation to say any of it. I had a very fun filled and fulfilling weekend, so I'll give you the quick and dirty, 'cause I'm sure all of you give a flying fuck.

Saturday I ran sound for Ben and "Candy Apple Grey" at some podunk coffee shop. It ruled. It was him on congos and vocals, another dude on guitar, and another chick on vocals. They did acoustic shit. I ran sound and recorded the show. It was nice being a real roadie instead of just an engineer for once. Usually when I record with Ben (we've finished a couple albums, buy them or something) I'm just a lowly engineer and assistant producer. Saturday I was a roadie! I've always wanted to be a roadie. My roadie status failed to get me chicks though... damnit... Ben needs to be in a sexier band. The show went really well. Those fuckers are crazy talented. I'm very honored they let me work with them.

That night after the show I chilled with my Dad for a few hours, who's great to talk to. We had one of those deep father son conversations, it was neato. Then I went over to "The Hotel" which is basically this house chalk full of my friends from home. I spend a lot of time there over breaks. So I went there at 1 am knowing someone would be up, and I chilled with ThePosp and Smalls for a buncha hours and had good mix of "it's been awhile" deep conversation and make me laugh conversation, ate some Perkins, then came back and chilled with them and Spencdaddy and others and had a interesting personality philosophy talk with Spencdaddy. I love discussing philosophy, politics, and human nature with Spencdaddy, it's always a good time. Then I went home, covered my futon in trash bags 'cause it was covered in cat puke, and slept on it.

The next day, I EXPERIENCED THE FUNK! I'm too lazy to do a concert recap now, so I'll point you to the recap on ThePosp's diary thingy. I may tell you people my experiences about it later, but I don't feel like it right now. Suffice to say I was fully saturated with Symphonic Funk and it may have been the best concert I've EVER been too... George Clinton rocks my now funky balls. Shizit!

So, the recap of the weekend is now out of the way. Originally, like yesterday, I wanted to write all these details and post pictures of how my hair turned out from dyeing it again on thurs, but I didn't have time then and I really don't feel like doing that shit now. You may see the hair eventually. I want to write other shit now though.

The reason my brain is working is because I wrote a philosophy paper tonight dealing with virtue ethics. Blah blah, none of you probably care about virtue ethics, so I won't elaborate on that. Part of what I said in the paper, though, is that I believe that love is the cardinal emotion that all other emotions spring from. You need love to feel fear, hate, anger, emotional pain, etc etc. Without self love you would not be afraid, you would not hate someone if you did not care/love them (otherwise you would blow them off), you would not be angry if you did not love the state you were in before something made you angry, and you would not have emotion pain because emotional pain if defined as the absence of love. It made me realize that I had been analyzing some of my emotions wrong. Love in some form is inherent in every emotion, without love, you would die. Early in this semester I was very depressed and did some writing, one of those writing was on this subject. In this writing I had a slightly different view of love. Here is the exert I'm referring too:

"Therefor, turning off emotions is not exactly like suicide. It is a pruning if you turn off only the negative emotions. That is generally impossible, since each emotion has a down and up side. Fear and courage, embarrassment and boldness. If you turn off one you have to turn off it's opposite as well, because they are just poles of the same emotion. IE, if you turn off ALL emotions that make you sad, you can never be happy either. THAT would be suicide. But, when you have one emotion that is always at one poll, and you turn off that emotion, you only turn off either the very good or very bad emotion, since it's opposite does not exist for you. That is why I want to turn off love. I desire to be in love and to be happy and to be at the opposite pole so much, but I feel that will never happen for me, and I can't stand being at the other end of this pole any longer. I give up. I want to turn it off, for good. I will not lose anything, since all I could possibly lose is the bliss that being in love and being loved gives, and I have none of that to lose. The only thing I would lose is the pain that lack of love causes, and the desire to be in love. Losing both would make me content, and make happy again.

Now, where I agree mostly with what I said there, I have changed my mind as to what the effect of turning off love would be. I would not be blissful, I would die. Completely. If I turned off love every emotion would shut down, because only one aspect of love, the relationship aspect, works on a polar system like other emotions. Love as a whole is in every emotion, and must therefor be preserved at all costs.

Heh... I'm tired. I feel like I have more to say, but I don't. I feel inexplicably unhappy tonight... or ... a better word may be discontent... or angsty... I think I'm probably just stressed. This week is going to be hell, I have a lot to do. Maybe that is why I'm writing... eh... I think I'm done.

Oh, and if anyone is wondering, here is how the above exert ended:

"I want to make it permanent. Even more, I want to be in love and be loved. One or the other, and preferably love over the death of the emotion. But I fear that will never happen, and I don't want to risk hell anymore hoping that I may be happy one day. I want to turn off the emotion *now*. I am tired of trying. I want it to end.

But, if I suddenly had the magical choice to never feel love nor miss love, I would say no.

I guess I just want it to go away for now. Fuck, I still have hope."

Which leads me into my rant about how hope is the most painful emotion there is. But I'll save that for another time. Christ, I hope I'm not turning into an emo kid, that would suck