12/13/2003 Entry: "application"

Well, I've done it. I've sent in my Peace Corps application. No more just talking, I fucking sent it in about 6 hours ago. It took me three days to fill it out. Not 'cause it was long (although it really was), but because filling it out was kind of an emotional ordeal. I had to write to essays as well, and throughout the whole thing I was so fucking scared. I mean, this is my life, my goal for the last six years. If I fuck it up, shit, I'm done. I don't know shit about what grad school I want to go to if I don't make it in, I'm wholey unprepared if they don't take me. Every keystroke I made I also got one step farther away from spending those two years with Qehndrah. She's made me so happy... this decision is no longer easy for me. I almost started crying when I started filling it out. But, it's only two years, and then I'm back. If I don't do it I will regret it for the rest of my life. Two years vs my whole life. I've got to do it. And thirdly... I'm scared that I'm getting in over my head. I'm going to be out in the middle of nowhere, completely on my own. Christ, I'm just a fucking kid. What the hell am I doing?

But I got through it, filled it out, and sent it in. The ball is rolling. I hope I didn't make a mistake.