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12/14/2002 Entry: "normal?" I would like to write you an entertaining entry filled with links and crazy shit, but I don't have the motivation for that right now. I don't really have the motivation to do much of anything, actually. If it wasn't for the BT I'm playing right now, I'd probably be sitting here staring at a wall. If I believed in God I would thank him for inventing music. I think music is one of my main motivators in life, and especially in writing and creating. I can't do graphics or write without it. I get bored. I need the music there, and different music for different things. I'm funniest when listening to Cake, most creative graphically when listening to techno (preferably trance or happycore). The current Chegg layout was created listening to Poe last summer. (God, I love Poe) With some PUSA in there as well (whatever album Volcano is on). Music also was integral in my surviving this semester. There was a time a little before spring break when I was the lowest I've ever been, and for the first time since 7th grade I was having thoughts of suicide. Now, I don't think I was actually suicidal, because those thoughts scared the shit out of me. However, I sure as hell was thinking about it a lot. I no longer had control over my emotions. I listened to a lot of music during that time, including much (hed)pe (to try and channel depression into anger) and You're Pretty. You're Pretty is such amazing music, it really helped me get through that time. I also started listening to Garbage and Poe again. Point being, if I didn't have that music to get me through it I don't know if I would have. Which makes my over all point, I guess, that individual people aside, music is the most important thing in my life. Yay. I think I may be getting back to normal. I'm not sure what that means really... but I think normal is good. I don't think I love her anymore. Not in the relationship way. I love her as a friend still, but I think I've finally been able to get rid of my "more than friends" feelings for her. I'm realizing I overlooked and neglected a lot of things this semester because of that fiasco. My grades this semester are going to be horrible, but that doesn't bother me too much because I'm just happy I survived it. During that time when I was thinking about suicide, it was because I realized that I no longer enjoyed being alive. I'd never felt that before. I'd always wanted to live just for the sake of living, just because it was fun. I didn't want to lose that. At that time, I didn't feel that way. I got little joy out of anything. All that I felt was rejection, loneliness, loss of confidence, hopelessness, and all that other emo bullshit that I'm sure many of you have gone through as well. At the time I knew I was being a whiny little bitch, which just pissed me off more. I was sick of it. I needed time away from her, I knew she was bad for me, but I couldn't do it. I still care for her, a lot, but I can control it now. I will only care for her as much as she cares for me. I won't let myself care anymore than that, because it will drive me insane again. Now, this doesn't mean I'm necessarily happy, but I definitely think I enjoy being alive again. Today, for instance, was great. Hanging out with Mark an Josh all day, doing the shit that we used to do. At dinner the 3 of us made stupid jokes that only we found funny, and everyone else thought we were being idiots. It was great. Tonight I saw Spider Man (the best comic book movie ever) and had a great time being an idiot yelling things out of Zach's window. However, when I got home I suddenly reverted back to some weird feeling of apathetic crappiness that didn't go away until I started playing BT and writing this. However, this is still back within my old normal range. Prior to this semester I always fluctuated between happy and lonely/sad, but within a set range. I'm back to fluctuating within that range. I know when I find someone and I can finally experience what's it's like to actually be loved back I will be happier than I've ever been. However, I don't think that is going to happen anytime soon. But, I can look forward to being happy this summer like I am every summer. Not ecstatic, but content and happy. Summer = little stress and lots of sleep for me, which leads to creativity, writing, and sanity. Next Wednesday I will have my last final. Next Wednesday I can finally say FUCK OFF to this semester. Uhm... I didn't get the NADC job, btw. The guy called and said that I was definitely qualified in the microbiology area, but he wanted someone with more experience in pigs. Now, that really doesn't bother me, because if pig experience is that wanted, then I probably didn't want that job anyway. Fuck Pigs. The research they were doing was really interesting, dealing with salmonella infections in livestock and shit like that. I would have been doing culture maintenance (of bacteria) filing, some other crap, and helping them kill lotsa pigs. I would also have been working with this crap called secum which supposedly smells even worse than pig shit. So yea... no skin off my back that I didn't get that job. I have my nice comfy AATI job that'll make my resume look nice and happy, so BLEH! Now I just need a nice comfy gas station slacker job to supplement the income and I'll finally be able to afford getting layed. Wooh! This is out of place but I just thought of it: The problem with getting back to normal is you have to go back to where you started. It's like a path. You meet chick, things start happening, either it works out or it doesn't, but either way you've made progress at something and you are no longer "blah." It sucks when that path leads you shit, and you have to cut your losses to survive. I don't want to return back to normal blah. I don't want to give up. It's better than the alternative, but it still sucks. Forcing yourself to give up hope is almost as painful as having the hope itself. Fuck that shit. I'm sick of it. This summer better kick some major ass.
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We are seriously going through a lot of the same shit, only I've sort of met someone else recently and have decided the route of casual flirtation without much thought is far nicer than mulling, uncontrollably mind you (but still mulling), over an unattainable muse. And like you even need to hear me agree that music is the most important part of a person's life. It is the love of my life, pure plain and simple. Honestly, it would be hard to find anyone that has brought as much spiritual fulfillment to my life as music has. She'd have to give me a lot of blowjobs. As a side note, you MUST, you MUST, YOU MUST listen to some Sigur Ros music if you haven't before. You will love it my friend. Peace out. Posted by Beep @ 05/04/2002 04:32 AM PST
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