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12/14/2002 Entry: "my penis" I would like to take this time now to talk about my penis. Lately, my penis has not been behaving very well. It's been a real little bitch, popping it's head up all the time going *BOING!* and saying hello whenever it wants to. This is REALLY annoying, 'cause it likes to happen a lot at work. I wish I knew what 'caused NRBs (No Reason Boners) 'cause it's really crazy. The LAST thing I am ever thinking about at work is sex. I'm too busy running around wondering why some random crap thing isn't working or trying to get some shit done before 20 gazillion timers start beeping at me. True, my mind wanders and shit, but it's never about sex. It dwells more on music, blowing shit up, biking, and occasionally Microbio as well. Sex isn't even on the list. But does Mr. Happy listen? NO! He pokes his damn head up and makes it hard to walk. Often I have crap in my hands so I can't re-adjust on the fly (no pun intended.) Normally when a guy gets an annoying stiff one he can simply re-adjust it straight up into his waistband real fast and no one will notice and he can go about his day. When I have crap in my hands, however, I can't do this, and it gets REALLY obvious. I doubt it's been spotted yet, but damn, WHY? I DON'T GET IT! I mean, ya, maybe it gets bored being couped up in my pants all day with only occasional visits from my hand at night, but shit, c'mon buddy, I feel your pain. Literally. You don't need to be striking out like this at me. It's not like I'm cheating on you and getting layed without you. Ryan thinks it's because my subconscious mind secretly wants to do the drunk chicks across the hall... Right... But, for the sake of argument I agreed it was possible, and that maybe it wants to get them pregnant and then do our resulting daughter too. This made me wonder if maybe my penis was a redneck, so I whipped it out and Ryan checked it with me. We came to the conclusion that it, thankfully, was not a redneck. However, Ryan observed that it was, apparently, hairy like wookie wang. I inspected and realized, hell, he's right. The shaft actually is hairy, which led me to need to explain. See, I have what I like to refer to as the Deluxe Penis Travel Package. Hard and ready for action it's as big as any mans, but unlike many, when soft it folds up into a tight little package. I mean this thing gets freakin' tiny when being stored. I think part of it is the no underwear ball's learning to tuck and not wag to and fro thing. Point being, Hard Penis = normal size, Soft Penis = travel size. I am simply a more evolved engineering marvel. Point being, I think this is why my travel sized wangeroo was so hairy. It was having some of the ball skin and shit overlap it. Whereas when it's standing at attention ready for instructions from Major Woody, it's bald as a babies... well... penis... Oh yea, and it's name is Fredriko. No chick has bothered naming it for me yet, so I took matters into my own hands. (yuk yuk yuk) Why Fredriko? FUCK YOU! IT IS SEXY, NO? PS: Oh yea, and is it bad that I found the idea of rats teabagging people strangely erotic?
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