12/13/2002 Entry: "reoccurence"

A lot has happened since I last was here... I won't elaborate now because when I do I need to do so fully, and that is not what I need to talk about now. Tonight was... strange...

I felt something tonight that I haven't felt since highschool... There are different kinds of hate, I believe. Or, at least two reasons to hate... There is the hate because you care about someone, such as "I hate my ex-boyfriend." You wouldn't hate them if you still didn't care about them. It's when you stop caring that the hate leaves you. Hate, true hate, is an investment. It takes energy. Until tonight I saw caring as the only source of true hate. However, there is another cause of Hate... fear.

I saw saw someone tonight that caused a reaction in me. A conditioned reaction that I developed during elementary, junior high, and high school. When I see this person, or any of his clan my adrenaline rises, I become on edge, and I expect a confrontation. I was in perkins and one of the people that had made fun of me, bullied me, beat me, and made my life difficult from kindergarten until I graduated highschool waltzed in. He didn't recognize me. I recognized him instantly... you never forget a face that you've spent years subconciously scanning crowds for, lest you be caught off guard. I saw him the second he walked around the corner and instantly reverted back to a defense form of thinking I haven't experienced in over 4 years. Nothing had changed. I had forgotten him. I had heard he'd gone to jail, actually. I didn't care, I didn't even hate him. The second I saw him tonight, however, I hated him. Not because of what he had done to me, if that was the reason then I would have never stopped hating him. I hated him because I feared him and the fear caused a subconcious defensive reaction in me that I have had the luxury of not needing for long time.

The shithead even tried to join our conversation, then he recognized me, and I could see his demeanor change before my eyes. He went from a look of "speaking to a stranger" to a look of contempt and superiority. He turned to his own friend as I turned away, and spoke in a hushed voice as they giggled. I knew what they were talking about. And that was the end of it. I tried to ignore him, my rational mind knowing that the chances of him starting something was very slim. However, if the same scenario were to have happened 7 years ago, it would have been different. This person in particular wasn't so bad during highschool. His main sphere of influence was from earlier. If he had been another, a different person in the same group of people that made my life hell, something may have even happened tonight. Some of them were actively fucking with even after I graduated.

I tried to ignore him, my rational mind saying it's ok, but my defenses wouldn't let me. Never turn your back on the enemy, even if they seem harmless. You must always be ready.

I hate him because of the reaction he causes in me. The reaction is because I fear him. But, not so much him, but the confrontation. If he had been dumb enough to approach me tonight, he would have had his ass handed to him. That wasn't what I was afraid of. I just didn't want to be bothered with it, to have to deal with it. I wish I could adequately explain and give examples of what that group of people did over the years, but here is just not a good medium for it. Intimidation was the bulk of it, with violence during the early years, followed by the threat of violence during the later years. *sigh* I am finding myself caring less and less now, however, even as I type this. His effect is not permanent, because I just don't care about him anymore. The hate will leave me soon as the fear does.

The world would be a better if he was dead. His "relationship" with my group of friends is not my only justification for this contempt, but that goes beyond the scope of this entry. You'll have to just trust me on this one. I wish him death. He has no redeeming qualities, he and his cohorts are an infection, a disease. They deserve no more mercy than any other pathogen. They deserve death.

Heh. I agree with those words now but I won't tomorrow. Tomorrow I will say that they, being human, deserve life. I will say that they must have some quality. I will say even the most guilty person deserves a chance. As good as it feels to hate something, it feels better to not. Ghandi was a happy man, Hitler was not. (However, that may have just been because he ejaculated urine)

*sigh* It's been along time since I've felt hate. I expunged it from myself one night during my junior year in highschool. It had become to hard to hate so much, so many people. So I stopped caring, and I stopped hating. I just didn't care. The feeling of contempt never left me though. It only leaves when I forget them entirely. I learned tonight that I, apparently, will always have certain states of being hardwired into me.

And suddenly I understand so much better...