12/14/2007 Entry: "my coworkers" I realize I haven't written about how dumb my coworkers are yet. After working 6 months at this job I have too many stories for one entry. I'll write a few recent ones here real quick to break the ice and get the ball rolling on the many to come. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. (me) The worst of them all we'll call "Meathead." He is the true definition of the term. Yesterday he told us that he had a sex dream where he raped his girlfriend. He woke up horny and then had sex with her. He was proud of this fact. The same idiot once argued with me for about 20 minutes about whether or not goats are just male sheep. Lately several of the idiots I work with have been obsessed with winning the lottery even though they don't play. I present a paraphrased conversation: Meathead: If I won the lottery I'd totally buy all you guys pizza and then quit. To be fair, I am, by far, the nicest guy there. Meathead tends to get picked on my Boss #2 because he reacts badly. (boss #2 thinks that thunder is from clouds hitting each other, btw) Meathead is too much of an idiot to have any kind of verbal retort so he just gets really bad. He can't get mad at Boss #2 though so he tries to take it out on me physically by challenging me to fights after work and threatening to cut the brakes on my truck. If I were to let A FRACTION of my restaurant trained asshole wit loose on him I know for a fact that he'd throw down right then and there and probably succeed in kicking my ass. It really is torture for me. I have to bite my tongue SOOOO hard - and when the Boss #2 lets loose on him with his lame and entirely inferior insults I'm forced to not only bear the brunt of Meatheads anger - but somehow silence the nearly constant stream of add-ons and insulting retorts that come screaming naturally out of my over cynical and apparently suicidal internal monologue. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but you don't know true hardship until you have to hang out with half-wits who are constantly setting themselves up for epic burns and slams but you are forced to say nothing for fear of them caving your face in with their pick-axe in a fit of rage. Oh yes, rage. Today Meathead was having trouble leveling up a board so he screamed and threw his hammer (again). It didn't help that boss #2 was talking shit on him the for the entire previous hour. Anyway, meathead was planning on buying a Playstation 3 after work (more on that in a later post) and was debating about getting the warranty. Boss #2 starting making jokes about how meathead was going to go home and cry while playing because he was being so mean to him all day. I *almost* replied with "well, that's why he should get the warranty - in case the ps3 gets water damage." Not a good joke or even that witty BUT IT KILLED ME THAT I COULDN'T SAY IT OUT LOUD. IT ... KILLED... ME...! I hate people that can't take a joke. Boss #2 is almost worse, because he gives it but can't take it. We'll get into him and my general work structure and a better introduction to the characters later. I really miss hanging out with witty people who can fight back verbally and have the necessary anger/frustration to do so passionately. Robin and I used to get into epic late night verbal slam battles at work.. It was a nightly occurrence. The whole staff would eventually join in. No one would get mad because it was all in fun. I didn't always win, and I certainly didn't mind losing. In fact, I kind of liked getting my ass handed to me sometimes because when it happened it was usually BEAUTIFULLY done by some of the best insult masters I know. Most often by Mark, Robin, or Kale. Now those were some people who were worth clashing jerk wit with. Meathead, on the other hand, is like shooting fish in a barrel. Except the fish are filled with acid, gunpowder, and grape flavoring. I fucking hate grape flavoring.
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