12/14/2002 Entry: "and her"

Today/tonight was fun. I think I'm going to really love weekends because I can be nocturnal for at least 2 days out of the week. Yea, I know that's the same as the school year, but summer night air is just so much nicer, which make being out at night that more addictive and necessary.

Tonight I attended a StrangeTalk "bonfire" which consisted of a teeny fire that got busted at 11:30. I take no responsibility for the wussiness of the fire. It was still fun. Then we hung out in one of their rooms for while (about half the fire group, 10 people I think.) So that was fun, I just got back, yay. Unfortunately, the dorm it was in was Friley, which brought back some well suppressed feelings. Ready for story time?

There was another girl last semester I was interested in for a bit. This was during one of the very few times I was feeling comfortable with the friendship relationship I had with the girl whom you've heard so much about. This other girl I met rather randomly and we hit it off real fast. We talked a whole lot, and gathered support from each other as well, because we were both going through some shit at the time. She confided in me some things that she had only told one other person. Real personal things, and I would like to think I helped her out a fair amount. At least I gave her a stable friend for awhile. I ate lunch with her 3 times a week, and we talked every time she came online. We were close. I don't know if I loved her or not, my emotions are the time were too random and fucked up for me to be able to tell, but I definitely valued our friendship. She was extremely interesting and unique, and I loved spending time with her.

Unfortunately, her best friend (who lived far away) hated me. I think he saw me as a threat, because he was in love with her. He didn't like her spending time with me, and it was causing problems. She began lying to him about even seeing me, which was not something I thinks she was comfortable doing. Then one weekend she went home and saw him and they hooked up. It was inevitable, I suppose. They were/are definitely in love. Unfortunately, this seemed to kill our friendship. We stopped eating lunch together because she got real busy, stopped talking online, and pretty much stopped talking all together. Granted, she got a job around this time as well, but it seemed that she got real cold all the sudden, as well as busy. She went from sharing everything with me to not talking to me. I felt very rejected. I still do, actually. I could definitely handle her hooking up with her (rather angry) boyfriend, but I have definite problems with our friendship ending or becoming estranged. About this time things started to get fucked up with the girl whom you've heard so much about again, so those negative depressing thoughts displaced my "loss of friendship" negative depressing thoughts. I guess I dealt with the whole thing the best I can, by shoving it deep into my brain where it can't hurt anyone. I am reminded of her very often though, and think back with regret on how things turned out. Had I not been already fucked up, maybe I could have salvaged the situation and saved the friendship. Hell, maybe there still is a chance of that. However, I have not heard from her in a months now, so I doubt it. I don't know if I'll ever see her again, actually. I learned a lot from her, and wish she was still around.

The reason I'm thinking about her now is I walked by her old area of Friley tonight, so on the home I went to her old door. I guess I just had to see it again. I stood there for awhile, remembering her and our friendship. I remember during one of the last times we talked after she hooked up with her boyfriend she was venting frustration and she said "and I don't have any consistent friends up here." I wanted to say "Yes you do, me" or something to that effect. I should have said that. I had told her, many times, that I'd always be there for her, and I meant it. However, I said nothing this time, I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I just read what she said repeatedly and realized I had failed her as a person of support, even though she was the one that became cold to me, because I let her do that. I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't, and by doing so I failed her again. That was my last chance I had to resurrect the caliber of friendship we had, and I didn't do it. I regret this very much.

There is a slight chance that she found this site (it was created after we stopped talking, but the link was in my profile and other places) and an even slighter chance that she still reads it or cares about me. But if she does... If you do... I miss you.

Sweet Dreams of Nakey Things.